Dear People of the Earth,
It’s my birthday tomorrow.
With that ‘theme’ in my mind, I write this. I must warn you though, this post shall be filled with narcissism and if you aren’t particularly fond of me, you will hate me more after you read this. I wouldn’t want that. You know the good thing about growing older is you grow wiser- never mind the thinning hairline. Whenever I begin to write anything, I don’t exactly have in my mind what I would write down. I think all of us who suffer from the creative process would agree with me. It’s just that, with every key pressed- there’s a thought in the head. For instance right now I was thinking what would she think when she reads this. I am even thinking whether mentioning her is at all relevant here. The muse is always there somewhere. Omnipresence of the muse-I even plan to write something about that.
So I write.
Let me tell you something about myself, right now I am in a certain juncture of life that I chose for myself because I didn’t want to be around people who don’t dream. I don’t know if I am being unkind to them or this is my childhood fancy coming back to haunt my head but it’s true in a way I chose something for me. I definitely had favorable economics to back me up with. I fear social judgment because there’s an innate superiority complex I suffer from, and I don’t want it to be under scrutiny. But then, I have seen many around me talking about dreams and never taking that leap of faith. From where I come from, I know how hard it is to afford ones dream. Am I being a little pretentions? Perhaps, but here I am –‘’taking a break’’ in the words of mortals and dreaming a little more; what’s the hurry to get somewhere in life when love is all around?
I don’t know when people talk about success if it’s a lot of money or having a lot of friends to pour beer. It still bothers some people when they see my aimless life- ricocheting between the murals of lifeless figures. I don’t blame them either- what would they know? But I think we all evaluate the world in our own way- the difference between the ‘is’ and the ‘ought’, our personal morality and its ever shuffling dialectic. I mustn’t get into those philosophical debaucheries, but let’s say we all owe something to our early generations and thank god parents exist. Oh, I hate shopping malls - it’s one of those random thoughts that just came to my mind.
Adulthood in a way has been a little painful to me- but if you are fond of American movies I will tell you that it was like a roller coaster that preferred shutting down when it was in that upside-down position. I think unlike the teenage kings and queens, I have always felt alienated. I remember a friend mentioning back in those halcyon college days,
‘everybody knows you, yet you always roam alone.’
I didn’t have an answer then, but perhaps I do now. Age does that. It gets you answers that you don’t regret. I don’t really know, why I like people as they are but I have never ever liked people in groups. That was my childhood condition that made me feel bad, because of how the world around is. But I have always found people so interesting, just as they are.
I remember shattering many people when I used to tell them, that I didn’t mind going to the movies alone- if it was a good movie, why not? I know in the era of ‘masala’ and ‘chat’ good is pretty ‘subjective’. (I like masala in the morning and chat in the evening.) I remember someone telling me that
‘’those who can go to the ‘theater’ alone, are capable of murder.’’
Bob Biswas (baby faced assassin) even made that a possibility for me. But it’s true whatever people don’t do or can’t understand- it overwhelms them. In a way perhaps it threatens them too. We have all been there. I don’t understand why people become smokers. I try to sometimes- free will and all that shit. Age will provide me that answer I hope. I had never been good in asking the things I want- fearing judgment and mostly rejection and yet I believe that as I will turn a year older this time I will be pretty alright. I am saying all of this to myself, you know, sometimes you do that to help your own self. Let me rewind exactly two years, back to when I was stuck in my hostel room surrounded by warm people who wanted to greet me- realizing that it wasn’t my cup of tea-I shut myself off and didn’t meet anyone. I was sad and dramatic. What more can I say? Just a year back, I was pretty sad too and whiny- the world outside didn’t match the one inside me, but this time I had seen so much of 'happy' people in the virtual forum that I wanted to play that role- so I invited everyone and we had a birthday party, where I got photographs and said, ‘hey look- I am so happy.’ I was like them who deliberately told the world that they were fine rendering it believable. You don’t like this version, I understand, but I am just being honest. Happiness and you perhaps exist and I write this only to help myself, just like all of you do from time to time. Sadness as I have observed doesn’t exist in stupid people. It’s true. Don’t be sad though since it’s my birthday tomorrow. I am not much excited this time, because there’s some contentment and there’s this sense of age that asks me not to pursue lower pleasures. I don’t need to be like everyone else (how often do i say that?), because I am privileged in a way. If you are listening, wish me a happy birthday only if you mean it, because like many of you I do mean the words I say and I don’t enjoy formalities. Happiness is perhaps in the daydreams, it’s perhaps by a seaside resort, perhaps in a home made by a little mountain hut, but as of now I like it here in this concrete apartment of my
humid metropolis.
Yours
The fool on the Sill
‘
11th August, 2014
Calcutta
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